Posts Tagged ‘struggling’


This is a three part interview I did in 2011 on how I live with Asperger’s. I hope you like it and welcome any comments you may have.

Thanks

Andy


He remembers that first day at school

On a cold September morn as his mother

Let go of his hand for the first time and let it

Drop to the floor, kissed him on the forehead,

Turned around and left him there alone for the

First time in a field of unfamiliar faces, a

Landscape of slow motion figures, revolving

Around him like a L.S. Lowry painting and then

They see him, a gaggle of kids looking for the

Vulnerable, those alone, easy meat to pick on,

Waiting to strike them, destroy them in the blink of an

Eye before anyone notices what is happening

And then they begin their attack, moving slowly,

Encircling their prey like a pack of wild chimps

Ready for the right moment to set about their

Victim, and he is alone in a wall of noise as

Figures past by not seeing him, avoiding him

Not wanting to be there when they tear into him,

And the first punch comes from nowhere and he

Falls to the cold, dark ocean of asphalt, his body

Sinking deep into it before rebounding ready for the

Next kick as faceless objects peer down at him

Laughing, mocking, enjoying seeing him in

Confusion and pain, asking why, why, why,

And the beating begins like a shower of meteor’s

Ripping into the earth from everywhere and

Then it stops as the clock strikes ten and this

Asphalt space is devoid of life,

No more noise, no more movement,

No more beating’s, and he lays on the skin

Of the earth the only sign of humanity in

This violent landscape


From a world of overwhelment

Where every Sound

Every Movement

Every smell

Is a

Mindful distraction

Of a life that

Never stops

Never sleeps

Only ends

To the serenity

And solitude of

Nature and a

World created by

Forces unknown, unseen

Understanding

The needs of man and

Allowing him to

Live peacefully

Calmly

Restfully

At last

 


Stood in a room

Surrounded by noise

Coming from walls

From glass, from lights

From people

But no words reach me

An indecipherable sound

A tsunami of noise

An avalanche of words

Nothing makes sense

I’m struggling to hear

To comprehend

To pick the words out

But the sentence is lost

All meaning is gone

I’m alone in a room

Full of people

Surrounded by noise

In the middle of a vortex

The eye of the tornado

As life goes on around me

Without me

 


standing in a crowded room

surrounded by humanity

I feel dead to the souls

of these around me

 

breathing the same air as me

yet unaware of my existence

unknowing and uncaring

I am a statue of stone

 

to those who move and mingle

around me with laughter and joy

telling jokes and tales

of lives gone and lives lived

 

they look straight through as if

I am a ghost of the past

the present and the future

I do not exist to them

 

as I drown in an ocean

of ignorance trying to reach a

shore that never appears

but grows ever distant

 

a shore that will broaden the

horizons of these that confine

me to a voiceless universe

a poisoned chalice never to be

 

consumed for fear of having their

own perceptions and

preconceptions challenged

and found wanting

 

by those who will judge

others without the

utterance of a single

vowel to them

 

and never look in the mirror

and judge the faceless soul

that stares at them

and ask the question

 

what am I doing to this person

 


Sorry but I haven’t been on here for a while. Been feeling under the weather and out of sorts. Not been feeling very creative so not much writing done. However I have come up with this one. It’s how I view growing up with Asperger’s and how it can feel sometimes.

Growing Up

As children growing up we are all the same
All developing through play, school, family and friends
Sight, hearing, taste, touch, smell
All exciting and new to a child

Socialising and communicating with others
As they explore a whole new world
Excitement uncontained and unabated
And then childhood stops

For some at least
But for others it does not
Their bodies grow old and weary
Yet their minds are still those of children

Thinking like a child
Feeling like a child
Living in an adult body
In an unfamiliar world

That doesn’t understand

Struggling to cope with everyday tasks
Day after day after day
Welcome to the world of autism
Children living in adult bodies

Struggling to live in an adult world
A world they don’t understand
Struggling with life everyday
But always with a smile on their face