the wind howls
through me blowing
dreams in, nightmares
storm out, away
I am in the middle
unable to decide
whether to run or follow


My doctor gave me Prozac for my depression. It made things worse. The walls started moving and closing in on me. It felt like I was being attacked by my house. I went back and swopped them for something that didn’t give me hallucinations.

ice freeze

Posted: January 14, 2020 in poetry, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

ice has come
through my window
creating otherworldly
paintings on the glass
as it creeps in from
the cold searching
for my breath so
it can enter my body
and freeze me to death

first one

Posted: January 13, 2020 in poetry, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

i am the first one here tonight
the beginning of a new year
one that no-one knows
anything about as we wait
to see what secrets it
will reveal to us
bottles of water stand in silence
stiffly proud and stern
glasses surround them
protecting them from
forces unseen and unknown
i know one person isn’t
coming tonight but i wait
in excited anticipation to see
who will come through the door
i’m looking forward ot tonight
the start of a new writing year
and a new creative me


It’s May 2001. I’m feeling down, depressed. I go to the doctors for help for support. ‘What do you want me to do?’ ask my doctor. I sit there in shock. What do I do? What do I say? I leave with a box of tablets. Take these and don’t bother me again is the message I get. Go and sort yourself out.


At the moment I’m experiencing headaches on a daily basis and have been since July 2019. I’m currently waiting for the results from an MRI scan I had before Christmas. This poem reflects in part how I experience the headaches.

the excitement fades
the adrenalin goes
my body returns to normal
and they attack again
they’ve been waiting in
hiding in the deepest
recesses of my brain
waiting for the opportunity
to come out and dull
my senses, cloud my mind,
confuse me, delude me,
wear me out, make me doubt
everything i know and understand
the headaches are back
after a morning away
on holiday somewhere
returning today to cripple
my mind and body
coming back when i
least expect them
least need them
time and time again


i’m sat here in the library
trying to read a book of
poems except i can’t
i read some words and
then i wake up. i look
for my spot, i’ve only
been asleep a millisecond
and it’s gone. i look around
to see if anyone has noticed
that i fell asleep and i don’t
think they have. that means
i haven’t let out an ungodly
and unearthly noise. i find
the last words i remember
reading and then wake up

cosy

Posted: January 10, 2020 in poetry, Uncategorized
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the wind swirls around
my mind like the storms
on jupiter. its cold
colder than a night on
pluto. i am a comet
travelling through space
on my own surrounded
by rough grass and deep mud
yet i feel safe here
away from everything
that can hurt me
away from those that
would attack me
belittle me, make
me feel so small
the most powerful
microscope in the world
could not find me
my safe haven is the moors
protected from others
by natures elements,
elements my enemies
do not like. my skin
may be cold but inside
the sun burns brighter
than sirius illuminating
the moors keeping me
warm, cosy and sage
from everything that
would harm me. i am
at one here with the
natural earth looking
after my mind, body
and soul for eternity


i found my paradise
when i escaped from
my self imposed exile
within four blank walls
my paradise was over
the thin black line of
tarmac meandering
through the bleak
yorkshire moorland
that dominates this
world leading to a
valley of lush green
fields crissed crossed
by a never ending
maze of tracks and
trails worn down by
hundreds of years of
footsteps and hooves
leading anywhere and
everywhere but where
you want to go. some
will lose you and lead
you on a dance that
will have you doubting
your own sanity. others
will take you so close
to heaven you swear
you can hear angels
sing songs that have
your ears dancing in
the clouds. this paradise
gives up its secrets ever
so slowly but you will
never know them all
so don’t go looking
for them. enjoy the
ones you find and
make the most of
this beautiful paradise

seeing you

Posted: January 8, 2020 in poetry, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

the first time I saw you
was also the last. there
was nothing in-between