Archive for the ‘Understanding’ Category


In the days before we had a party for every occasion we had just one, the Valentines Day disco and the one from 1978 at Holme Middle is one I will never forget for the wrong reasons. I was at the disco with Mark and everybody was dancing, drinking pop and pairing up. I went over to a girl, a really nice girl and asked her for a dance. She looked at me and said no, just like that. I felt gutted. Rejected at an early age and little did I know it would set a pattern for me and the fairer sex although I didn’t know it at the time. I think I just went and sat down somewhere and had some pop wondering why she was dancing with everybody else but said no to me. I don’t remember any other parties although I’m sure there was but this one I do remember for all the wrong reasons but that’s life and sometimes we learn lessons at an early age that only have meaning later on in life when we have gained experience and have time to reflect on what has happened to us and give us an understanding as to why things happened the way they did.


He lives over the road from me. He’s different to me, different to everyone. I turn from the victim to the bully. All my bad experiences come out in unprovoked verbal abuse directed at him. For no other reason than I can, he’s an easy target and doesn’t or won’t fight back. I call him names, names I don’t understand the meaning of at the time but deep down I know they are hurtful, wrong, but I still say them to him, attack him with them. It makes me feel powerful at the time to find someone weaker than me, different to me and different to others someone I can attack and hurt and who doesn’t fight back and who is more different to others than I am. It’s wrong but I do it. If I could go back I would not do it. I would be his friend or avoid him altogether but I would not attack him and harm him as I did back then.


Paul is my first friend on Holmewood. We play in the street and on the green, have fun. Paul moves to Cornwall. I never see him again. Malcolm is my next friend. There’s a group of us all playing and having fun. One day I go to Malcolm’s house. His sister looks at me and tells me to leave. She gives no reason. I don’t know why, don’t understand. Maybe she knows something I don’t. I never see Malcolm again.

Chris is my next friend. He’s older than us and the leader of our gang. We play down the valley, jumping over streams, hide and seek, crawling in tunnels, running on trails. I’m enjoying life, having fun with friends, playing with no worries, no fears, no regrets.

More new friends on Holmewood. Paul, Colin and Peter. It’s the summer of 1973. We play football all day and all night. I’m me, I’m free. I’m enjoying life. Food, friends, freedom. Everything I want and need right now. Life is perfect.


This is a three part interview I did in 2011 on how I live with Asperger’s. I hope you like it and welcome any comments you may have.

Thanks

Andy


Trying to explain myself

Is the hardest thing to do

Telling you the way I see life

As I see it, understand it

Can be harder than flying to the moon

 

You asked me to do this, do that

Wanted to hear what I had to say

Through my view, and then you

Ask me to explain myself again

Differently, in a way you understand

 

You do not understand me when I

Tell you how I see the world, tell you

How I feel in my words, I try to help

You understand me and my world

My life, my feelings, my emotions

 

And still you don’t understand me,

Still you want me to explain my world

In your words not mine. Why do you

Ask me to explain my world to you if

You cannot listen to me in the first place?